exhaustion of denial

[kossai]

crosspost from tumblr .
kossai do not and see no reason to consider physicality as delusion or otherwise clinical - faeriehood root from pagan religion and spirituality , and that is that .
that in mind , still feel relate with exhaustion of double book-keep - not only religious experience , but minority religious experience . to have to hide or deny what is entirely real about self or selves , especially because others do not tolerate ? horrible exhaustion . 

there is something of tightrope which walk . many of faerie body traits and problems have names which humans give . that alone is not always problem , but to be honest , most of these things have no cure , often little to no treatment , and ( apart from total removal , if viable ) even treatments which exist often incompatible with kossai , where treatment is worse than problem . 

describe once before , but consider 3 categories :

• things among natural variance or default expression for faeries , but which humans give name .
• things which develop because faerie materials not fully compatible with human blueprints and development .
• things which happen because human blueprints have typical human points of failure , regardless of material in question .

kossai see differences in these categories , know which ones need attention and treatment , and which ones will never work . but can not just casually explain and refer to faeriehood in any of these - people force to pathologise and see everything as sick , deviant humanity . 

not to even start on how badly medical system treat kossai . occasionally mention how go through near death experience , but not why - well , simple . because surgeon look at problem in that third category , and refuse to act . think some people would probably assume that inflict something on purpose , or just through lack of judgment , but nope ! good old medical neglect .
and , gods , how much exhaustion there is to go through test after test after fucking test , just to defy medical definitions and expectations anyway . 

know there is people who would say , " very clearly " , that kossai physicality come as way to cope with disabilities . and for some folks , that is fair answer - but that is wrong answer for kossai . think real cope is from those who try to explain over kossai , who feel need to justify everything under one simple view rather than accept world of variations . not go through lifetime of conversation and journey with paganism and faeriehood just for some stranger to act like know all .

kossai is faerie in all aspects . to have to deny that , to have to pretend that experiences in religion and faeriehood is meaningless nothingness , is painful exhaustion . so while not delusion , really do sympathise with that part of struggle . sometimes worst part of experience is not experience in self , but how others react and police that experience .