suppression and journeys

[kossai]

crosspost from tumblr .
kossai grow up with paganism - sort of eclectic mix of things . learn about faeries and changelings , past lives , magic , and overall delve into culture and ideas that christians try to kill . still , that did not mean faeriehood come with one nice and easy path to follow .

under cut for length . not just about physical nonhumanity , but expect experiences will be particularly familiar there .

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for one , initially learn this idea that past lives of humans could only be other humans , or at least that animal lives insignificant and completely unworthy of acknowledge by comparison . as well , know how horribly violent changeling stories could be . while kossai know of faeriehood and plurality since start , and always gravitate toward faerie stories and faerie ideas , could never put in words why . at times when did really try , would get shut down . even little costumes and accessories , which make visual show of what others could not see , did not stay in life forever .

that was definitely first seed of suppression - even those who kossai grow up with did not want to hear about faerie thoughts , in part due to diagnoses and human perceptions . could not be faerie , not allow to have that knowledge and exploration , because just have something " wrong " instead . not help that very much want to try and look as " normal " as possible despite circumstances , to prove that otherwise do things right - and because so many other pagans do same , was very hard to find community space that was not run like absolute dog shit and just hurt more .

but continue to be faerie anyway , just ... more and more lack words , lack expression . try to treat as just games of pretend , but then these games never really end . would carry around little notebooks to write down internal conversations and " lore " that feel right , and never did like to " play these games " with others . everyone else have such simple ideas on magic and faeries , and could never really explain how that hurt - real to kossai , very much so , but know not to others .

that was second seed . any expression must be game , pretend , something that make up . have to " return to real world " at some point , to say all just for fun and not really serious . kossai would also adopt blankets of mermaidhood and vampirehood at different times , with hope to explain some other things that not yet fully understand to be still faerie - but again , all of this was just game to others , not deeply serious .

and so on this go . each year that kossai grow older and have to endure human pressures and perceptions , more and more have to bury faerie heart , even each other . try so many times to just pretend not plural , to ignore each other , even though always come undone and open floodgates again . have some speculations that eira , body OS and front filter of sorts , become stronger due to these experiences - maybe so , maybe not . but even then would not want to change or somehow try to remove eira - eira is courtier here as well , and not fault of eira that have to hide .

but in time , cries of faerie heart just too much to keep on deny and bury like that . after so much hurt , process to explore again was slow , unsteady , and feel like need to deny even clearest answers . not all bad , though - something else which learn from pagan childhood , and which work at all through life , was curiosity and ability to have conversation with journey . ask question , explore possible answers , see which one feel most right - and then find more questions , until feel at place where no questions left to ask . some day that might change , of course , but no need to rush . journeys take time , sometimes meander , sometimes stop to rest , maybe even sometimes seem to go backwards . but always able to progress , so long as not give up .

and all of that is what bring kossai here . plural faerie court , between realms with seeming and mien , undeniably physically faerie . work on heal faerie heart , and get back in touch with what others force to hide . what really want now is for no one else to have to feel this way , that truths of heart must be bury deep .