pagan and alterhuman childhood - one perspective

[kossai]

crosspost from tumblr .
might think that pagan childhood would make alterhumanity super easy to find and explore . but answer is … not necessarily . 

kossai know of faeriehood , and plural courthood , since young . not that have any exact words , but know feelings , know what draw kossai in . did learn about reincarnation , but mostly from human-to-human angle , and this is not accurate to faeriehood of kossai in any case . 

also grow up with faerie stories - between both modern saccharine , and accounts from folklore . remember clearest those horrible feelings when learn some of things which people do to changelings , feel unexplainable fear that people would do these things to kossai . remember yearn to be in other safer stories , and deep dive into everything fairy or faerie which kossai could find .

did have little fairy costumes and accessories , even insist on dress up in public for everyone to know . of course , this can go from cute to sour very quick , when one is " wrong " age , gender , or both . and even with things kossai learn , faeriehood could be at best this distant connection - not something deep , powerful , and important as is . 

and when try to express feelings , express bits of faerie knowledge ... no , no one would listen . this was just overactive imagination ! and all of this become " shame " on family , who rather than try to understand and give more words , refuse and discourage like all others , try to steer away in hopes of forget .

think anyone who grow up non-christian can say , can be very hard to grow up in highly christian societies , where people have certain expectations and ideas . fine enough to practise in home , for some families , but certain things just too much and too far . answer questions honestly , and get laughter or shame from people - let people actually see , even if just lonely school kid who want friends , and those people will run .

so without words or even full knowledge of feelings and situation , little kossai learn to shut out and build defensive chrysalis - though cracks would always be there , ready to burst . and as kossai spend years to build on ideas and understanding of world and magic , that was certain to happen .

but to be honest , even now still do not feel as if fully out from chrysalis - so many layers to this sad little thing , this mechanism that try to keep safe . and that is painful - there was time in life where things come so easily , and theoretically did have safety in explore , but instead stamp out and force to hide .