delirium ~ butterfly experience

[kossai]

crosspost from tumblr .

want to talk more about that CZ-type experience kossai have .
important to note that say CZ-type in specific because , honestly , did not last very long . this come from delirium of low oxygen , but was already in hospital and on track to stabilise oxygen - markers that might otherwise show up very simply did not have time to do so , as oxygen restabilise and delirium taper out . 

there was one specific trigger to this - upon this , just very suddenly know selves to be butterfly . but want to point out that this was not feeling of comfort and family , as if puzzle of identity click into place and breathe sigh of relief . more so feel in same way most humans feel about personal humanity - unquestionable , unchangeable , inherent truth . 

did have awareness of humanoid shape , and especially remember marvel at complexity of fingers . but marvel is not entirely right word - despite curiosity and awe , recognise fingers to be wrong , that something happen to end up with these , and could not figure out or explain what . as well sort of on and off whether kossai feel proboscis , and memory is hazy in some aspects , but remember also know something was wrong with proboscis .

ultimately because of how short this was overall , just did not have enough time to explore questions or to really get deep into experience - and given circumstance of low oxygen , that was for better . as for thoughts on butterflies , actually connect as symbol far more than creature , which was true before this experience - not really long term impact on identity .

but yeah . obviously long term experiences will be different from this , regardless if start out in similar ways , just because of longer time to experience and explore . but kossai consider this personal experience to be proof that faeriehood is definitively separate from delusion , no matter what armchair diagnosers want to say - entirely different roots , feelings , and mechanisms . faeriehood is of strong foundation after years of build up and understand religion , while this butterfly experience was very suddenly and rigidly nail into place - both unshakeable , but in very different ways .

( dreamwidth notice : tag as intermittent psychosis for ease of find , but technically not accurate tag because delirium . :P )