pet peeve

[kossai]

in theory polyamorous but just can not relate to how others talk about this ... like , oh no hierarchy , oh no one is more important ! but like ... what if kind of yes ?
kossai do not have partner outside lover legion , but lover legion have boyfriend also , right ... this boyfriend is aware of kossai , and aware that kossai do come first in certain ways . and everyone is OK with that .
why shift this over to " no hierarchy , all hierarchy is bad " when sometimes there is one ? like sorry but together for 10 years at this point and have specific plans with each other ... no one else can or will change that , this is something which very specifically lay down and talk about . 

is there something which miss and completely not understand here , or is this just … people only like to include this one set of experiences as " real polyamory " ?

Comments

[dismallyoriented]

I think it's a "my version is the best version" thing, though there are folks who critique the matter of like. Previously monogamous folks who enter the poly world and then treat the newly acquired partners like shit, or like they aren't real. People who enter polyamory because they dislike the strictures of monogamous society and the prescribed relationship escalators have very understandable bones to pick with relationship hierarchies as they relate to Society and Hegemony and etc. etc.

That said I do think it's a bit misguided sometimes to act like a purely flat hierarchy between partners is possible, or at least possible without a lot of deliberate work. If you're living with someone, for example, you will by necessity spend more of your daily time and energy with them, and the stakes are higher for keeping that relationship happy and stable. The same applies to partners you've been with for longer - you already have established history, you broadly know how to communicate with each other and how you fit into each other's lives. There are logistical and practical things that come into play within these relationship networks.

I'm in a pretty similar situation; married to my wife/partnersys after 8 years and they more or less take up all my relationship space. I've started dating a member of my metamour system, but the LDR aspect of it is definitely affecting how this relationship is playing out, as is actually spending solo time without my wife around. We're great as a trio, I just also need to build my own thing with him.

[kossai]

true and fair enough , yeah . formal arrangement is still fairly new , but know for while now that inklings would be there . aside from simply lack of interest in other potential partners to set arrangements in stone for , hold off for so long because know have feelings and things to talk through - would hate to try and rush that , only to end up with very hard talks about hurt feelings or boundaries no one properly set . can not always avoid all conflicts of course , but if there is any way to avoid worst ones ... best idea to tackle that !

and , for sure . imagine would probably also be harder in this situation ( if that was actually goal ) because this is boyfriend of lover legion only , not of kossai . nothing against of course , just not really into that way - but that could easily mean pull in two different directions and force conflicts of time , and some really hard choices . feel like important part is not total lack of hierarchy , but that everyone understand what is in place and why .

[bodyetal]

crow&: agree with dismally oriented—i also think a lot of it is people misunderstanding relationship anarchy as “no hierarchy ever” instead of “no hierarchy is assumed.”

like, relationship anarchy doesn’t say your (romantic) boyfriend can’t be more important than your queerplatonic partner; it says that your boyfriend is not more important than your QPP just because he’s your boyfriend, and that those things should be explicitly decided rather than assumed. maybe your boyfriend and QPP are equally important, maybe the QPP is more important, etc., but if they are, that should be consciously agreed upon, y’know?

i think a lot of people who equate polyamory/ENM/relationship anarchy with total relationship equality (from what i’ve seen, i could be wrong) are people who have frankly just never had to deal with the major practical implications of that. it’s a lot easier to say “polyamory means all relationships are equal” when, for example, you’re a very young person who only has long-distance relationships or a triad and don’t have to deal with considerations like STI prevention, housing, regular transportation, and life/future planning, all of which tip the scales pretty heavily. polygamy is not currently legal in most of the Western world, too, so if you value marriage the whole “automatically equal” thing gets even trickier.