thoughts about thought disorder

crosspost from tumblr .
think about concept of thought disorder again and ... maybe in some ways naive view , because of course these things can be troublesome , but ... 

in this case , talk about category about construction of thoughts , and language to express those thoughts , FTD . to go on apparently random tangents can be thought disorder , to say words for mouth feel or visual appearance rather than definition can be thought disorder , any train of thought or linguistic expression that is not " logical " to evaluator can be thought disorder . 

very much like ... there will be times that this is genuine struggle in and of self - to express pain or emergency , to call for help , so on . but think usually most significant part of struggle is stigma and general reaction . think this is part of where distress criteria can fall short - easier to attribute distress to this abnormal experience than actually admit to stigma and cruelty , even if experience in self is not inherently one of distress . 

hey , not hard to see here how kossai have different approach and expression of language . and people can be just so , so fucking much about this . even if try to explicitly outline boundaries , and where kossai will cut people off - not to ask curious questions of why , not to give compliments like easy or cute , not to give praise like pet who perform funny trick - people disrespect these . and this come from people who apparently want to respect , too , then bend over backwards to justify disrespect - that is what frustrate ! 

feel like can not write stories without have someone to look over , edit , and reform words correctly , so no one will complain . feel like have to be on edge and perfectly word explanations , not out of moral compulsion , but because someone will try and pick away if there is any slipup in words or ambiguity . and even at best polish without external help , honestly , some people still just ignore , even block out and deny space explicitly because of language . 

would not change how kossai approach and use language , even if could - problem is not kossai , but how others learn to devalue and react dismissively . and do sincerely think that is usually most significant distress , in any form of thought disorder - how people react like deviations in communication is personal attack , some kind of scary murderous intention , or just not say anything of worth in any capacity . 

think also fair to mention that no , none of this is exclusive to any one experience - under right conditions , anyone might be able to show these traits . there is not some fundamental separation between " healthy thoughts " and " sick thoughts " , rather traits exist on scales that can tip either way if given particular weights . anyone can be there , for number of reasons .

delirium ~ butterfly experience

crosspost from tumblr .

want to talk more about that CZ-type experience kossai have .
important to note that say CZ-type in specific because , honestly , did not last very long . this come from delirium of low oxygen , but was already in hospital and on track to stabilise oxygen - markers that might otherwise show up very simply did not have time to do so , as oxygen restabilise and delirium taper out . 

there was one specific trigger to this - upon this , just very suddenly know selves to be butterfly . but want to point out that this was not feeling of comfort and family , as if puzzle of identity click into place and breathe sigh of relief . more so feel in same way most humans feel about personal humanity - unquestionable , unchangeable , inherent truth . 

did have awareness of humanoid shape , and especially remember marvel at complexity of fingers . but marvel is not entirely right word - despite curiosity and awe , recognise fingers to be wrong , that something happen to end up with these , and could not figure out or explain what . as well sort of on and off whether kossai feel proboscis , and memory is hazy in some aspects , but remember also know something was wrong with proboscis .

ultimately because of how short this was overall , just did not have enough time to explore questions or to really get deep into experience - and given circumstance of low oxygen , that was for better . as for thoughts on butterflies , actually connect as symbol far more than creature , which was true before this experience - not really long term impact on identity .

but yeah . obviously long term experiences will be different from this , regardless if start out in similar ways , just because of longer time to experience and explore . but kossai consider this personal experience to be proof that faeriehood is definitively separate from delusion , no matter what armchair diagnosers want to say - entirely different roots , feelings , and mechanisms . faeriehood is of strong foundation after years of build up and understand religion , while this butterfly experience was very suddenly and rigidly nail into place - both unshakeable , but in very different ways .

( dreamwidth notice : tag as intermittent psychosis for ease of find , but technically not accurate tag because delirium . :P )