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one weird effect after psychosis , regardless of clarity level : always get headaches by next day , sometimes even migraine nausea and aura outright . definitely worse if have enough clarity to push past boundaries , but even without overextend will always still get headaches . would love to know if others get that too , because like , fucking ow .
know what happen , not danger or anything . just pile bad things at once and kind of break , work on stuff for happy .
envisage , think about envisage . usually feel collective form when front , sometimes feel blips of individual , call that envisage . never happen to feel envisage during this before but happen today . feel like , head cover in smoke . purple sparkly magic smoke . know who in front still but feel veil over .
envisage , think about envisage . usually feel collective form when front , sometimes feel blips of individual , call that envisage . never happen to feel envisage during this before but happen today . feel like , head cover in smoke . purple sparkly magic smoke . know who in front still but feel veil over .
13th era sheogorath ~ no name snippet
May. 18th, 2025 01:42 pmsome time ago , make attempts to write another sheogorath story , during episode that was hard to deal with . never actually finish , though , and outside of episode would feel wrong to add anything - some of these feelings very hard to get in touch with and understand otherwise .
still , really did like this section , so get some help to clean up and at least make readable .
warnings : identity mess , vaguely description of psychotic episode
( Read more... )
back to thaliendir / sheogorath masterpost
still , really did like this section , so get some help to clean up and at least make readable .
warnings : identity mess , vaguely description of psychotic episode
( Read more... )
back to thaliendir / sheogorath masterpost
delirium ~ butterfly experience
May. 10th, 2025 07:10 pmcrosspost from tumblr .
want to talk more about that CZ-type experience kossai have .
important to note that say CZ-type in specific because , honestly , did not last very long . this come from delirium of low oxygen , but was already in hospital and on track to stabilise oxygen - markers that might otherwise show up very simply did not have time to do so , as oxygen restabilise and delirium taper out .
there was one specific trigger to this - upon this , just very suddenly know selves to be butterfly . but want to point out that this was not feeling of comfort and family , as if puzzle of identity click into place and breathe sigh of relief . more so feel in same way most humans feel about personal humanity - unquestionable , unchangeable , inherent truth .
did have awareness of humanoid shape , and especially remember marvel at complexity of fingers . but marvel is not entirely right word - despite curiosity and awe , recognise fingers to be wrong , that something happen to end up with these , and could not figure out or explain what . as well sort of on and off whether kossai feel proboscis , and memory is hazy in some aspects , but remember also know something was wrong with proboscis .
ultimately because of how short this was overall , just did not have enough time to explore questions or to really get deep into experience - and given circumstance of low oxygen , that was for better . as for thoughts on butterflies , actually connect as symbol far more than creature , which was true before this experience - not really long term impact on identity .
but yeah . obviously long term experiences will be different from this , regardless if start out in similar ways , just because of longer time to experience and explore . but kossai consider this personal experience to be proof that faeriehood is definitively separate from delusion , no matter what armchair diagnosers want to say - entirely different roots , feelings , and mechanisms . faeriehood is of strong foundation after years of build up and understand religion , while this butterfly experience was very suddenly and rigidly nail into place - both unshakeable , but in very different ways .
( dreamwidth notice : tag as intermittent psychosis for ease of find , but technically not accurate tag because delirium . :P )
intermittent psychosis ~ nonhuman aspects
Apr. 30th, 2025 12:16 amin terms of kossai experiences with brief intermittent psychosis and nonhuman identity ... some episodes bring nonhuman identity aspects , just by chance . these aspects only last for duration of episode , nothing really attach and tie back into daily life .
some of these directly cause stress and risk - experiences short as is , but mostly would not feel like safe choice to accept as everyday aspect . others do not have those problems , but still , experiences short - without any other basis , find no reason to accept as everyday aspect .
most of these identities come as random flickers - say for example , thoughts wander to hyenas , and so feel suddenly hyena-like . no transformation take place , just feel like any ordinary 'kin connection , but impermanent . on that note , only one of these experiences brush into territory of outright clinical zoanthropy - but specifically come from delirium of low oxygen , and also fade once oxygen stabilise . hard to describe what that was like , but can trace back exactly why and how brain follow that path . kind of neat , as weird as that might be to say .
surely some kind of flicker label out there exist to help explain , without necessarily need to refer as psychosis , but ... well , not really sure about thoughts on that for kossai situation . prefer to view these experiences - good and bad - as gift for survival of NDE . some aspects provide away relief from feelings , while other aspects delve into feelings , help to express and heal . to strip away psychosis and ideas of madness from description of kossai experiences would not feel right or comfortable .
psychosis ~ gallery of friends
Apr. 28th, 2025 03:14 pm
intermittent episodes , not always so bad . but sometimes just overwhelm and stress with so many , so so many feelings that do not all make sense - near death experiences hard to deal with , hard to understand , to even express .
like to colour things in when that happen . not enough focus to make coherent original art , but , enough to pick up pencils and fill in lines .
sometimes these characters talk , like colours bring to life , and have nice things to say . honestly sometimes sad that these characters turn to nothing once episodes end - always sound like any other internal voice ( not always literal voice ) but never find any trace to prove tangible existence among members of kossai .
even so , think ultimately friends , and happy to have . kossai try not to be too sad when part , because will surely meet again . maybe some day will part for good , but that is not yet .
tend not to share much about experiences with psychosis because episodes so short , not necessarily big things to talk about , and not really comfortable to share vulnerable parts out in public . but , think nice to share little good things .
as for right now , this book is gallery of friends .
crosspost from tumblr .
this is just from personal experience , not guarantee will be true for everyone - but if anyone have thoughts to contribute , would be curious to hear . :)
when think about how kossai differentiate between delusional and religious experiences , as do experience blips of psychosis which stem from particular trauma , would have to say one of major differentiations is ability to question .
easy enough to say religion is unshakeable , especially as some sects seem to discourage questions until questions feel impossible - but questions can still come up , even if one feel need to refuse . kids especially tend to prove that questions possible , just unfortunately become taboo .
that in mind , kossai explicitly learn how to question , how to find answers and then look deeper still - every answer can come with 5 more questions , and those questions can play and change some of previous answers , put things in new light .
religion for kossai is unshakeable in sense that have years upon years of foundation . just like buildings , foundation can shift over time , or even collapse if something catastrophic happen - but as is right now , that foundation is strong .
by contrast , during blips … there is no room to question . what feel true just simply is true , even when there is no line of questions and answers to follow , or outright contradict other parts of experience .
delusion for kossai is unshakeable in sense that nail down into place , rigid and inflexible , regardless of anything else . everything else could fall down , sink , fly away in winds , and rebuild , yet this piece would remain there until those nails wear away .
