dancing in the faerie ring

like to keep files pretty well organise . there is one area that consistently struggle in , however : spirituality , magic , and religion .

for some reason , just can not keep any one solution in place for very long before another one sprout up ... and then another ... and another . by this point , definitely have 3 to 5 slightly different permutations of some things . on one hand , that is really neat way to see how thoughts change over time . on other hand , this is pretty useless to look through without some specific organisation scheme .

to get any use out of these random assemblies , kossai have to ... guess what ? make another organisation scheme . and that too will fall out of use , and therefore become part of cycle ... bah !!! 

pink , pink , pink !!! this is entirely self inflicted , due to research and work on shezow shrine . but holy mother of pink need to stare at green wall for 3 hours . 

please enjoy shezow's beautility belt , which is now mostly stocked . until inevitably discover something else that forget about . 

look through one of probably-abandoned journal game drafts , and find phrase ... " roll d6 on tarot card " ... sorry , what ? 

roll d6 on tarot card ...

have to admit , there is funny irony in faeries tell humans how to spot generative AI fakes .

when feel really just dogshit awful , any creative project is extremely bad idea - tend to cycle around in thoughts and just work into more emotional mess , and make mistakes due to lack of focus , which make emotional mess worse . love creativity , but this is never good time to harness . but can not just sit and do nothing either , because that is just rot and fester .

instead what do is simple utility projects . can still make mistakes , but with utility purpose , that force brain to hone in and be more careful . so . have these same 10 pairs of socks for almost 15 years now , and never find anything that quite replicate feeling . this is problem , because nothing else is wearable - but these ones also , one by one , become unwearable .

what happen is that over time threads at top become loose , tangle in decorative ribbons , so no longer able to fit over calves , and throw into procrastination pile . obviously need to remove said decorative ribbons - tangle so thoroughly there is no way to undo - and create new channel to fit elastic into , but this is not exactly fun task for even 1 pair , let alone 10 .

well , do not have elastic right now , but did at least finally remove ribbons from most unwearable socks , so 2 whole pairs become wearable again . still feel pretty awful , but at least did something with time and get one step closer to fix . will wear these things until very thread wear out , that is promise . which , actual structure still hold up very well - definitely some stretch and warp at top as gain weight , probably why threads there loosen , but no holes , no significant snags or pulls . 

yesterday make visit to library , and not really find anything of interest ... and then lose favourite hat . but : did put 2 books on order , and ... turn out to not lose hat after all .

yep ! have big old panic about that , because this is hat which have for 10 years and love very much , more than any other . take off hat because library was so warm , put inside purse , and then seem to disappear . theory was that hat fall out of purse when get ipad to ask for those books on order , but staff could not find anywhere !

no , was in there that whole time ... apparently . but promise up and down that search purse thoroughly and completely empty out , and that hat was not there . this is one of those times where question how even possibly miss , and half shrug because might as well just be magic fae trick . ( not that think anyone here would do that , anyway , because this is everyone's hat . but point stand . )

anyway . not really sure of what kind of books to look for , apart from those 2 that put on order - long time since visit library , and that was in childhood , so needless to say tastes will be at least somewhat different ! think might like to look for some sort of historical fashion and architecture stuff next visit , for design purposes in art and minecraft ... but not sure about fiction , or even specific authors and books within those categories .

there is also some event stuff ! but given time of year , lots of very christmas-y themes . some of stuff that kind of pique interest also awkward or conflict with kossai stuff already :( maybe will be better after christmas is over . always want to support libraries but so hard to get fun things in schedule , just by way of unpredictable pain and disability .  

wake up with neck and shoulder ache , try to mitigate pain . turn into headache instead , which only now dull down . such is life ... get some fun stuff done in both minecraft and oblivion , at least . 

brain pace around and feel like animal ready to tear out of cage , so ... end up meander around and look at people's decorations . not super big on celebrate halloween personally , but fun to see others get in spirit - decorative times of year always fun times to meander for that reason .

should definitely meander more often , sometimes get so stuck in house just because lack energy for " real " plans , but obviously reach limits that way . 

in teen years , some people consider kossai to have bad reputation as " whiner " who always have million and one excuses for any piece of advice . and to be honest , yeah , that shit still kind of stick bad in mind , even though ... well .

for one thing , not always look for advice when explain or complain about things . sometimes just need to complain , and people make things awkward or outright hostile when assume look for advice only to get shut down . like talk " 30 year old who legitimately want to doxx teenager over this shit " hostile , that fucking loser . ( never did pan out , but grow more and more horribly baffle by this guy with each year that pass . )

for two , even when want advice , not always able to explain very well , or feel uncomfortable about explain certain parts especially in more public settings , or even just ... not always know which pieces of context people need , and which ones can safely assume to know .

so what happen in those situations is that maybe say something vague about current situation - maybe in this case about struggles with school - and someone say just ask teacher next time . but not account for fact that kossai did not attend ordinary classroom with good attentive teacher , because did not want to share special ed bullshit , and could really only say : appreciate thought , but can not really do that .

and hence , decide kossai was just simple whiner . no one think that maybe either already try these things and see no good results , or in circumstances where really just not possible , and judge on that .

or like , in think about storage and room layout as happen right now . see this room everyday , and know size and amount of objects , and sometimes just forget that other people obviously do not . so people who want to give advice , often base that on personal assumptions of size and amount . which is not at all to say angry at people when this happen , because know mean well , of course . just like , feel awkward to come back around and give corrections , simply because not every useful piece of context to start with .

and problem with context troubles is that , honestly never even realise when context is missing to start with , until someone actively join conversation and highlight by accident . never feel good about that , but can not just make brain do this better .

kind of think would be fun to run game jam at some point , but not really sure about best practises or anything . like , games about fae love ... hehehe . want to see more , and know jams inspire new ideas nicely ... but is that too weird , because obviously niche which enjoy ?